I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
