I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
