im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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