My brain says no but my pants say off.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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