So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
