My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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