Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
