Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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