i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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