You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
