it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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