shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i think my cat just said my name.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
