If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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