normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
