i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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