Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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