it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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