Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
