When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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