if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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