1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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