On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
