He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
