no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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