i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
