I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
