allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
