she woke up with a sticky ear
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
