im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
