at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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