textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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