My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
