the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
4 words: hood of his car
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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