after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
