I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
