the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
