I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
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