I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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