Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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