So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
