once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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