I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
