its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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