Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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