I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
