I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
