I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
