1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
