don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
