I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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