but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
