Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
