The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
