I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
