You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
