So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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