It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
