If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
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She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
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I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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