On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
