normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
