the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
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Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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