I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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